Archive for February 21st, 2008

21
Feb
08

Super Mario Bros. The Movie: (1/10)

[note: This post contains spoilers. Although I usually try to keep spoilers in my reviews to a minimum, I am not really afraid of spoiling this movie for anyone due to the fact that the movie is already spoiled.]

Ok, first of all, I should point out that if you are not a fan of the games you will not understand this movie and if you are a fan of the games, you still will not understand this movie. The “plot” is that 65 million years ago a meteor stuck the earth and send all the dinosaurs into a parallel universe and the mammals stayed here on earth. The dinosuars then evolved into the dinosaur people that look suspiciously like humans. Yep, no turtle people here. The dino people are led by King Koopa. (That is what the Japaneses people call Bowser) Koopa wants to merge the two worlds together, so he can be king of both. He realizes that he must capture Princess Daisy (Not peach!) from the real world because she has the last remaining piece of the metior that caused this rift in the space time continuum and she is the only one who can withstand the force of the meteor. (because she is pure of heart of something like that) But then…well…you know, this movie has no real plot so, I think that I will skip the part that tells the story and just go on to talk about how lame it is.

This is one of the worst movies I have ever watched. First of all, I don’t think the people who wrote it have ever played a Mario game! For the half of the movie, Luigi is wearing red. Koopa looks more human that reptile. (Though, there is one part at the end where they de-evolve him into a bowser like creature) There are mushrooms, but nobody eats them and grows giant. Goomba’s are giant mindless dino-people who have been de-evolved into giant lizzard-people with outrageously small heads and no free will. Toad is a dino person, until they turn him into a goomba. They use princess Daisy instead of Peach! Yoshi is the only character that was like his game counter part in any way! I could go on and on for days about the injustices it did to the series. Sure there were some references to the games, Bomb-ombs, bullet bills, super scopes, and a few puns, but it really does not make up for all the crap in the movie.

But, it is unfair to judge the movie solely from the perspective of a gamer. I decided that before I review this heap of garbage I need to think “If I had never heard of Mario what would I think of this movie.” The answer, I realized, is that I would hate it more. The only reason that I finished the movie is to see how many stupid things they did. It almost had one of those so bad its good qualities. Almost! The bottom line is that the best part of this movie was making fun of it.

So, would I recommend it? Sure! It makes a great paper-weight or doorstop. It works as a great theft repellent. (just aim at his head.) It an essential part of every torture chamber.

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  • Super Mario World (SNES)
  • Call of Duty 4: Moden Warfare (PS3)
  • Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N64 VC)
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