Part 1 – The Beggining:
Our story starts in the grand kingdom of Camelot where King Aurthur is attending to his kingly duties like any good king should.
Cindy (the court jester) – See sir! After years and years of practice, I can now juggle two oranges at the same time!
King Aurthur – Amazing! Two oranges at the same time! If I did not know any better I would say it’s magic! … It’s not magic. Is it Cindy? Because that would be witchcraft and I would have to burn you at the steak!
Cindy – Of course not sire! I would never preform witchcraft! Why would I, when I am already happy as a clam? Yep, serving you until the day I die. Knowing that juggling oranges for your amusement is all that I will ever accomplish ….yep….couldn’t ask for any more….*cough*Idiot*cough*!
King Aurthur – What was that?
Cindy – I said…uh…only an idiot could want more out of life
King Aurthur – That’s what I thought you said.
Meanwhile, Lady Guinevere strolls through the garden. Suddenly Lancelot jumps toward her from behind of a bush
Lancelot – Hello, Guinevere!
Guinevere – Go away Lance!
Lancelot – But I wrote you a song! Wanna hear it?
Guinevere – No
Lancelot – Here it goes. [way off key] Secret Lovers! That who we are! Try so-
Guinevere – Shut Up! You didn’t even write that song!
Lancelot – How do you know?
Guinevere – Because I have already heard it before. Now go away!
Lancelot – But, we are destined to be together. Rememberwhen we first met, I saved your life.
Guinevere – Save me? You almost killed me!
Lancelot – How was I supposed to know that bear was not ticklish? Besides, If I almost got you killed then why did you hug me?
Guinevere – I was trying to strangle you.
Lancelot – Oh…
Guinevere – Besides, I am happily married! To the King!
Lancelot – So? Leave him! I love you!
Guinevere stomps away, leaving Lancelot behind
Lancelot – Oh, well…*sigh*….I suppose I will just go and get something to eat.
Later, in the castle, Lancelot raids the refrigerator for something to eat. But while he is searching the fridge, one of the kings attendants comes up behind him.
Lancelot – Hmmm…. I wonder if we have any mayonnaise?
Attendant – Excuse me, Mr. Lancelot
Lancelot – WHAT!? WHO’S THERE? I HAVE A SALAMI AND I AM NOT AFRAID TO USE IT! Oh, it’s just you Larry
Attendant – Actually my name is Lenny. The king wants to see you right away. He says the Lady Guinevere is in terrible danger.
Lancelot – Danger?! Gasp! I’m on my way!
What kind of danger is Guinevere in? Will Lancelot be able to rescue her? What role will Merlin play in this tale? Is there any mayonnaise left? Find out in the next exiting chapter of “Lancelot of Camelot”!
Part 2: Preparing for the Journey
When we last left our hero, he was making a salami sandwich. When, suddenly, he received word that Lady Guinevere was in danger and that the king needed his help to save her. Being the heroic hero that Lancelot is, he dashed straight towards the kings chamber so he could offer his services.
King Aurthur – Ah, Lancelot! We need you help. The queen is in terrible danger.
Lancelot – What is it sir? A fire-breathing dragon?
Aurthur – Worse
Lancelot – 2 fire-breathing dragons?
Author – Lancelot, the evil that has kidnapped my poor Guinevere is worse than any other dragon or monster that this world has to offer.
Lancelot – It’s not a spider, is it? Please tell me its not a spider! I can’t handle those. They’re so creepy with those extra legs and all.
Author – No, Lancelot worse than a spider.
Lancelot – Then what is it?
Author- I dare not speak the name of the beast. Just that name has been known to bring down nations. Listen, This is a dangerous mission. The only reason I am sending you is because all of the other knights are too afraid.
Lancelot – Cowards!
Author – I don’t want a repeat of you last mission.
Lancelot – How was I supposed to know that monks don’t like polka! Besides, I thought they were pacifists.
Author – They were… They were… Anyways, Take this map! It will guide you through your journey.
Lancelot – It looks like it was drawn with crayons.
Author – It was. Timmy the map-maker was in a bit of a hurry. Now listen, this is important: First, go to the Blacksmith and get a Sword. Next, go to the stable to get a horse. Then and only then will you be able to rescue my sweet Guinevere.
Lancelot – I will not fail you sire.
Author – You had better not!
Lancelot rushes straight to the blacksmith’s home.
Blacksmith – Ey! What ayre you doin ere? Des ew wanna bi a sord.
Lancelot – I don’t understand you Naïveté*. But I need to buy a sword!
Blacksmith – Naïveté! wy Ill shew ew to cull me a Naïveté! Come ere!
Lancelot – Calm down! The king sent me to buy a sword!
Blacksmith – de king ey! wel, wy did’t ew say so! I gots ya a sword rights ere! lemme get it outa de fire fors ya!
Lancelot – SPEAK ENGLISH MAN! Oh, there’s a sword right there!
Lancelot reaches into the fire and pulls out the sword!
Lancelot – AAAHHHH! IT BURNS!
Blacksmith – I tolds ya! I gots to getst it out of de fire!
Later, after Lancelot regains his dignity he says farewell to the blacksmith and starts towards the stable. When suddenly, Three strange figures jumped in front of him.
Who are these three figures? What do they want? Will Lancelot ever save Lady Guinevere? Why am I asking you these questions when I wrote the story? Find out in the next exiting chapter of “Lancelot of Camelot”!
* Naïveté – a French loanword indicating the state of lacking experience, understanding or sophistication (Thanks to Wikipedia for the definition!)
Part 3: Three Peasants and A Horse
When we last left our hero, he was on his way to the stables. There, he could get a horse to ride on his mission to save Lady Guinevere. When, suddenly, three Peasant stopped him.
Lancelot- AAAHHHH! …. uh, I mean *ahem* What is the meaning of this? Who are you people?
Peasant 1 – I’m John.
Peasant 2 – I’m Jacob
Peasant 3 – And I go by Fred
Jacob – Whoa man! Check it out! Get a load of his head.
Fred – Hey, your right! I’ve never seen such a big head on a knight!
Lancelot – Hey, its not that big.
Jacob – Not that big! It’s as big as a whale!
Fred – Biggest head in the world! So far as I can tell.
John -Please forgive my brother’s they don’t mean to be rude. Their just kinda hungry. They really need food.
Jacob – Yeah, when we saw you walking down the road. We thought, perhaps, you had some food we could unload.
Lancelot – Hey, you are rhyiming!
John – Yes, its a curse placed on us at birth. All we say must rhyme, so long as we live on this earth.
Lancelot – I wanna play! I wanna play! Lemme play too! I can rhyme just as good as any of you!
Jacob – Play all you want, but please give us something to eat.
Fred – Yes, we’ll eat anything but pickled pigs feet!
Lancelot – Sure, here you go. You each get an orange!
John – Thank you so much! Now we….uh…smlorange? no…..totorange….uh…Hey, fred what rymes with orange
Fred – I don’t thing anything does.
Jacob -Wait! We no longer rhyme! We are free! The curse is broken!
All three peasants – WOOT!
John – Thank you, sir! You have broken our curse.
Lancelot – Aw Man, and it was just getting fun.
Fred – Now what are we gonna do?
Jacob – Let’s write a book about our curse. We will be rich!
John – Good Idea, lets get going.
After the three peasants left, Lancelot continued on to the stable so he could get a horse.
Lancelot – Quick! Edd! I need a Horse!
Edd – So, why bother me?
Lancelot – Because you take care of all the kings horses! Duh!
Edd – But I can’t give you one of the kings horses! They belong to the king!
Lancelot – But the king sent me to get a horse!
Edd – Well, why didn’t you say so? I will be glad to give you a horse. I just need the secret password.
Lancelot – Secret Password?
Edd – Yeah, the king said I can’t give anybody a horse unless they say mayonnaise…uh, I mean unless the say the secret password.
Lancelot – Is the secret password mayonnaise?
Edd -yeah, here you go, take Rosebud. She’s the best horse we got!
Lancelot – Rosebud?! Don’t you have a manlier horse?
Edd – Well, there’s killer. Nobody has ever survived ten seconds on him.
Lancelot – Come here rosebud!
After getting his horse, Lancelot raced off! He rode through sandstorm and snowstorm. He rode through kingdom after kingdom. Then suddenly he realized he was going the wrong way! He did not let that stop him though! He turned around and rode on. Knowing that with every passing moment he grew closer to Guinevere. When suddenly, there was an explosion in the road just ahead of him. Rosebud bucked Lancelot off and ran away. Picking himself up off of the ground, Lancelot saw a mysterious laughing figure behind the cloud of smoke left behind by the explosion.
What does this mysterious stranger have in store for our hero? Is he friend or foe? Will Lancelot ever save the woman of his dreams? Why am I writing a story when I should be doing something more productive? Find out in the next chapter of “Lancelot of Camelot”!
Part 4: Destiny and Fish
In the last exiting chapter of Lancelot of Camelot, our hero was knocked off his horse by an explosion in the road. Behind the veil of smoke created by the explosion was the silhouette of a laughing man.
Lancelot – EEP! DON’T HURT ME!
The smoke clears to reveal that the mysterious stranger was an old man with a long grey beard and a funny purple hat.
Lancelot – Oh, it’s just an old geezer. Stand aside, for I am Lancelot!
Merlin – Geezer?! I’ll have you know, I’m not just some old geezer. I’m Merlin the Magician!
Lancelot – A magician?
Merlin – Not just any magician, I live through time backwards!
Merlin – Yes! My yesterday is your tomorrow, and your tomorrow is my yesterday!
Lancelot – Yeah, Right! If you live through time backwards then what is my name?
Merlin – Lancelot.
Lancelot – WHOA! You do live through time backwards! You are a magician! Do a trick! Can you juggle?!
Merlin – Your not exactly playing with a full deck … are you?
Lancelot – Huh? Why do people always say that to me?
Merlin – Exactly
Lancelot – So, why did you stop me with that explosion? Do you have some kind of important information that will thicken the plot?
Merlin – Actually I was just playing with some firecrackers and…uh, what I meant to say is…uh, I…came to tell you of your destiny.
Lancelot – My destiny? Are you here to tell me that I am to save Queen Guinevere and become the next king of Camelot!
Merlin – Sure…lets go with that…But that is not all. In order for you fulfill your destiny, I must train you.
Lancelot – Train me? How will you do that?
Merlin – I am going to use my magic to turn you into a series of animals. By completing a task as each animal you shall lean the traits that will make you a mighty warrior and a Noble king. Then, and only then, can you pull the sword from the…uh, I mean save the girl.
Lancelot -Hmmm…. That sounds familiar
Merlin – Now, which animal should I turn you into first…
Merlin looks around until he spots a small stream in the distance.
Merlin – Ah, that’s it. I will turn you into a bear. You then must go to that stream and catch a fish. Then I won’t have to worry about dinner tonight.
Lancelot – But what will I learn about being a king by catching your dinner?
Merlin – Uh…patience and serving others?
Lancelot – Oh, That makes sense.
Merlin – Really? You bought that? I mean, of course it makes sense, I am Merlin! Don’t doubt my knowledge! Now, Alaka Zap! Poof! Uh, there…your a Bear. Now go catch me some fish!
Lancelot – I don’t feel like a bear. (looks at his hands) I don’t look like a bear either.
Merlin – Uh, that’s just because the human mind can’t full handle the change. So you are imagining that you are still human but your a bear. Trust me!
Lancelot – Ok then!
Lancelot heads towards the stream
Merlin – (to himself) Can’t believe he bought that
Lancelot – Well, where is the fishing pole?
Merin – Fishing pole? Did you think I turned you into a bear so that you could fish like a human!
Merlin – Catch those fish with your hands, boy!
Lancelot puts his hands in the water and tries to grab a fish. After struggling for a while, Lancelot starts to get annoyed.
Lancelot – I can’t catch it! Their way too slippery!
Suddenly, Lancelot slips and falls into the stream. He climbs out quickly but he is chocking on something. A fish had managed to get caught in his mouth. Merlin flips out. But fate has not done away with our hero yet. Lancelot is able to cough out the fish that he was chocking on.
Lancelot – I did it! I caught the fish! I win! And its a big one too! We will be eating good tonight, eh Merlin.
Merlin – uh…
But the fish flops back into the stream.
Lancelot – No! It’s gone!
Merlin – Don’t worry about it! Aclaka Boom! There, now you are a human again! I have another test for you….
What test does Merlin have in store for our hero? Will it involve saving Guinevere? Why did that fish want to swim into Lancelot’s mouth? Why are you wasting your time reading this? Find out in the next exiting chapter of: Lancelot of Camelot!
Part 5: Crossover Time!
In our last exiting chapter of “Lancelot of Camelot”, Our hero met Merlin the Magician who explained that he lived through time backwards. After reveling Lancelot’s Destiny, Merlin “transformed” Lancelot into a bear so that he could catch a fish. After that disaster, Merlin came up with another idea of how to get a free meal….er, I mean train Lancelot how to be a king.
Merlin – Don’t worry about it! Aclaka Boom! There, now you are a human again! I have another test for you….
Lancelot – Another test?
Merlin – Yes, do you see that girl over there?
In the distance there was a little girl with a red riding hood and carrying a picnic basket.
Lancelot – I see her. Shall I save her?
Merlin – No. You are going to get her basket of goodies.
Lancelot – But isn’t that theft? What will that teach me?
Merlin – Why, it’s not theft, my boy. It’s….strategic possession. You have to get the basket from her because it will teach you how to handle difficult situations as a king.
Lancelot – Ok, if you say so.
Merlin – I do! I do!
Lancelot – Will you at least turn me into an animal?
Merlin – A what?…Oh yeah, uh…. Alacka Cannie. There your a wolf. Now, you go get the basket and I will hide in this bush.
Merlin jumps in the bush just as the little girl in the red riding hood approches.
Lancelot – Argh! I am a big bad wolf! Gimme your basket and I will not eat you!
Little Red Riding Hood – Uh, not another freak! Get lost or else!
Lancelot – Roar! I am a scary talking wolf! Beware!
Little Red Riding Hood – Ok, I warned you.
The little girl in the red riding hood then precedes to beat the living snot out of Lancelot. She then walks off.
Little Red Riding Hood – That will teach you!
Merlin comes out of the bush.
Merlin – Who would have guessed that a little girl would be so vicious.
Lancelot – just turn me into a human again, please.
Will Lancelot ever recover from that battle? Will he ever live down the shame of getting clobbered by a little girl? Will he ever be man enough to save Guinevere? Why did I write such a short chapter? Well, I you won’t find out soon because in the next chapter of “Lancelot of Camelot” the plot is going to take sudden twist! What is this twist? You will just have to tune into the next chapter to find out!
Part 6: Cindy of Camelot?
When we last left our hero, Lancelot had just lost a battle against a little girl. Yes you heard right, a little girl. This turn of events has made me realize that Lancelot cannot possibly save Guinevere from the ultimate evil.
Therefore, this chapter will not feature Lancelot at all. In this chapter our story is going to change pace from an unlikely hero to a slightly more likely heroine. No, not the girl in the little red riding hood. (Though, I did consider that) No, the heroine is going to be none other that Cindy, the court jester.
What?! You don’t remember Cindy? Argh! Read the first chapter again! I will give you time to do so now…………….Ok, done now? Ok, here it is, Cindy of Camelot:
Cindy – Where are my oranges? Larry, tell me you did not eat my oranges!
Lenny – My name is Lenny and I did not eat your oranges.
Cindy gives Larry a look so cold that Chuck Norris would have to cry out in terror.
Lenny – Ok, I ate them. So what?
Cindy – So what? So what am I going to juggle now?
Lenny – Who cares?
Cindy – Who cares? I care! I am so fired! Ah, I don’t need this job anyway. I came to Camelot to make a name for myself. To show that women can do anything that men can do. I didn’t come here to juggle oranges like some zombie.
Lenny – Yeah! and I seriously doubt that the king wants to see juggling anyway. What with his wife being kidnapped by the ultimate evil and all.
Cindy – What?! Guinevere gets kidnapped by the ultimate evil and you don’t tell me?
Lenny – Didn’t seem important.
Cindy -Didn’t seem important?! Oh, you idiot! What happened, Larry?
Lenny – Its Lenny, not Larry, and Nobody knows what happened. The king just says that she has been taken by the greatest evil known to mankind. Something so evil it would make the devil himself tremble.
Cindy – Wow. How many knights did he send after her?
Lenny – One. The rest were too afraid.
Cindy – Really? Who is this brave knight.
Lenny – Lancelot.
Cindy – Oh lord, Guinevere’s doomed. Wait! This is just the chance I need. I will save lady Guinevere and prove that I am just a capable as anyone else. I will become the first female knight in history and you’re going to help me do it.
Lenny – Me?
Cindy -Sure Larry. Every hero needs a sidekick. Now come were are off to save Guinevere!
Lenny – LENNY!
Cindy and Larry leave the castle and start walking along a dirt path when suddenly they hear somebody on horseback approaching from behind.
Cindy – Larry, I have a plan. Play along.
Just as the man on horseback approaches Cindy throws herself onto the ground.
Cindy – (In a bad souther accent) Oh, my! This big ol’e brute wants to hurt little ol’e defenseless me! Isn’t there a big strong man anywhere to save me!
Lenny – What? Oh, yeah! (In an even worse southern accent) I am big and mean and I mean you harm, miss.
The man on horseback, who turns out to be a knight, leaps off his horse and draws his sword.
Knight – I’ll save you fair maiden.
Cindy – (Still in souther accent) Oh, my! Thank you!
Cindy then begins to clobber the knight, take his sword and armor and steal his horse. She rode off into the sunset then turned around and came back because she forgot Larry. After that, they rode until they saw two strange figures in the horizon.
Cindy – Who are they?
Who are these figures? Will Lancelot even appear in the story again? Why am I even bothering to ask these questions when the answer is obvious! Why are you wasting your time with this? Will Guinevere ever be saved? When will this story end? Well, fear not because the next chapter of this exiting story is the last! So, stay tuned for the exiting conclusion of Lancelot of Camelot!
Part 7: The Ultimate Evil
When we last left our heroine, Cindy, along with her trusty sidekick, was racing to save Guinevere so she could become the first female knight in history. Suddenly she saw two strange figures in the road ahead, she brought her horse to a stop so she could see who they were.
Cindy – my word, it’s Lancelot and some old guy!
Lancelot – Cindy? What are you doing here? have you come to juggle oranges or tell me a joke? There is no time for that right now, I have a queen to save! …. Oh, hi Larry.
Lenny – IT’S LENNY!
Cindy – Do you seriously think I am here to tell you jokes? Stand aside, I am here to save the queen.
Lancelot – You can’t save anyone, your just a girl.
Cindy What?! (Cindy gives Lancelot a look so cold it could destroy a nation)
Lancelot – I mean…uh, You go girl?
Cindy – That’s what I thought you said.
Merlin – Excuse me miss, but I belive we have’nt met. I am Merlin the Magician and I live through time backwards.
Cindy – Whatever. Hey, what’s that?
Lancelot – This? Why this is my map! It shows where Guinevere is.
Cindy – What? Let me see that! (Cindy takes the map from Lancelot and studies it) It says she is hidden there, in that big dark cave. (Cindy points to a cave)
Lancelot – I am pretty sure the map is leading to that nice little cottage over there. (Lancelot points in the direction opposite of the cave, to a cozy looking home)
Cindy – Lance, think about it for a second. Where do you think the ultimate evil would be: A beautiful house with sunflowers growing from the flowerbed, or a deep dark scary cave with a big sign in the front that says “beware”?
Lancelot – Is that a trick question?
Cindy -Argh! Come on Larry, It looks like we gotta go in there alone.
Lenny – (sigh) coming
Cindy and Larry walk into the cave. Lancelot and Merlin, however, go to the cottage.
Merlin – You know, maybe she’s right. The cave does make more since.
Lancelot – No, the map leads to the cottage so we are going to the cottage.
(Lancelot walks into the cottage, Merlin follows behind. Merlin then sees a old woman with a facial mask on)
Merlin – AH! IT’S DISGUSTING! THIS TRULY IS THE ULTIMATE EVIL!
Ultimate Evil – Disgusting? Oh, no you didn’t. Tell me you did not just barge into my house and start insulting me.
The “Ultimate Evil” then begins to chase Merlin around the room while explaining to him, in great detail, all the ways that she is about to hurt him. Just then, Guinevere walks in from the kitchen to see what all the fuss is about.
Guinevere – Mom? What’s wrong? …. Lancelot?! What are you doing here? And who’s this old guy? And why is my mom hurting him?
Lancelot – Guinevere! I finally saved you! The king told me you had been kidnapped by the ultimate evil and he sent me to rescue you.
Guinevere – The Ultimate Evil? Argh! Why can’t he and my mother just get along?
Lancelot -The ultimate evil is your mother?
Guinevere – Yeah, I don’t understand what Aurthur has against her, she is really nice.
Merlin (Having just got kicked between the legs) – Yeah, she seems like a real treat.
Guinevere – Come on Lance and you too old guy. I have to talk to Aurthur.
Lancelot, Guinevere and Merlin leave the cottage. They then see Larry waling up to them.
Lancelot – Hi Larry! Where’s Cindy?
Lenny – My name is Lenny. The oddest thing happened,we got in the cave and the only thing there was this stupid cup. I did not see what the big deal was, but Cindy kept shouting “I found the Holy Grail! I found the Holy Grail!” then she ran off with the cup and left me!
Merlin – Tell me about it.
Guinevere – You idiots! Argh, just come with me I know a shortcut back to the castle.
Two minuets later. The group walks into the king’s thrown room.
King Aurthur – Guinevere! You’ve returned!
Guinevere – Shut up! What do you have against my mom?
King Aurthur – Nothing! She is the one who has the problem with me! Remember when I first met her? She hit me with a pan!
Guinevere – She thought you were a robber!
King Aurthur – What about the time she shoved an a rabid chimpmunk down my pants?
Guinevere – It was April Fools Day!
King Aurthur – What about the assassin she hired?
Guinevere – Not only do you call her the ultimate evil but you send a knight to rescue me from her! And not just any knight! Lancelot! Do you not realize that he as been hitting on me since you hired him?
King Aurthur -He has? That’s beside the point! That woman is evil!
Guinvere – Argh! If you cannot be reasonable then I don’t want to talk to you.
Guinevere stomps out.
King Aurthur – And who are you?
Merlin – I am Merlin! I live th-
King Aurthur -I remember you! You are the freak who kept harassing me as a child!
Merlin – Well, uh, I can explain that…you see…
Merlin runs away as fast as he can.
Lancelot – I saved her for you King! Do I get a reward? Like a cookie perhaps?
King Aurthur – Actually Lancelot, I have a better idea. How about a promotion!
Lancelot – A promotion?!
A month later:
Lancelot (the court jester) – See sir! After days and days of practice, I can now juggle two oranges at the same time!