Part 1: It was bound to happen eventually

Well, it was bound to happen eventually. I am a nerd with a blog and too much spare time, so it is inevitable that I write a fanfic. But if I am gonna write one, then I want to write the best one ever. So what will the subject be…Star Wars? LOTR? Prehaps a Mario fanfic…

No! If this is going to be the greatest fanfic in history, it needs to be about ALL of them. And you know what, I may as well make myself the main character. Puzzah! In fact, I think I am going to insert my other online comrades into the story. Earl, DS, Bab, Iggy…that means you! If you don’t want to be in the story, you had better tell me soon, because I am already thinking of your parts.

Well, time to get started! Hope you enjoy the story!

It was late. 11:19 PM and James was still using the computer. The only light in the room came from the laptop he held in front of him. He quickly typed the last words of his post. “Well, time to get started! Hope you enjoy the story!” the screen said as James hit the publish button. Suddenly the screen flashed, blinding him. As he regained his eyesight, he realize that he was no longer in his house. He was standing in the middle of a desert, and Obi-Wan Kenobi was there.

“You must learn the ways of the force, if you are to come with me to aldere….I mean Middle Earth.”, he said.

“The Force? Middle Earth? What?!…I knew that I shouldn’t have eaten pudding late at night”, exclaimed a dazed and confused James.

“Huh? Oh, yes…silly me, I forgot”, he said as he pulled out the script, “Oh yes…James, all of the evil forces in all of the universes, both fictional and non-fictional alike, have joined forces, and only you can stop them.”

“But why me?”

“I don’t know, its your story. I am just following the script. Now come with me, I shall train you in the ways of the force”

They then proceeded to head uphill, to a small house in the desert. There Obi-Wan trained James in the ways of the force. It only took about 5 minutes, because James had already spent most of his teenage years trying to use the force anyway. After the training was complete, Obi-Wan opened an old dusty box, and pulled out a lightsaber.

“This is your granny’s lightsaber, it is the weapon of a Jedi Knight, not as clumsy or random….blah blah blah, you know the drill. Its a fancy laser sword, just don’t cut yourself!”

“My granny was a Jedi?!”, said James in amazement.

“Sure, why not? She taught Yoda everything he knows.”, claimed Obi-Wan as he picked up the script again “No go, your needed in middle earth.”

“Wait, are you not coming with me?”

“No, I gotta rescue Luke from some sand people in about… 15 min”, said Obi-Wan as he looked at his watch, “now go!”

James then walked off into the sunset, wondering just how he was going to get to middle earth from Tatooine.

To be continued…

Ok, there it was! Part one of my epic fanfic, and by epic I mean corny. I hope you join me again as I make fun of fanfics and fiction in general in “The Fanfic – Part 2: The Romance That Made No Sense

Part 2: The Romance That Made No Sense

When our story left off, James was on his way to Middle Earth to see how he was needed. Upon arriving in the Shire, he noticed two familiar, yet unexpected, faces. It was Earl and Darkcloak.

“What are you doing here?!,” he said, “Especially you Earl. Aren’t you a little tall for a hobbit?”

“Pippin and Merry were getting tiered of doing these fanfics, so they hired us to take their place.”, said Earl.

“But Frodo and Sam are still here, right?”, asked James.

“Well…,” Darkcloak said in a hesitant tone, “Frodo his here but…well, Sam was trampled by Bill the pony.”

“What? But he was my favorite” cried James.

“Oh, He will survive, he just needs to stay in Rivendell for a while and rest” said Earl.

“Oh…well, Well, where is the Romance?” asked James

“What kind of a question is that?!”

“Well Darkcloak, if that’s your real name, the title of this chapter is The Romance that Made No Sense

“It is?”

“Haven’t you been reading your script?”

“No, he has been spending all of his time hiding things on the top shelfs so the hobbits can’t reach them”, said Earl as Darkcloak began to laugh maliciously.

Earl just sighed and said “Follow me” They walked to Bag End where Frodo was on his knee proposing to…Princess Peach.

“Will you marry me, Miss Peach?” asked Frodo as he handed the One Ring of Power to her.

“Frodo and Princess Peach?! I wrote the story and even I did not see that one coming!”

Peach took the ring and started giggling. At first it was the sweet laugh of a young girl in love, but it quickly changed into something far more sinister.

“Ha, you fools! Now I have the Ring of Power! With it, the forces of evil shall wield an unstoppable force!”

“Peach, your evil?” Said Earl.

“Of course I am, Bowser and I have been working together since the start. I’ve got that Mario character so whipped, that he keeps collecting Stars and Coins for me. Idoit even thinks he is saving me from Bowser.”

“Wait a second,” said Darkcloak, “That means that you really are Bowser Jr.’s mom….EWWWWWW!”

“I knew it! I knew you were secretly evil! A beautiful princess, and a plumber…it just did’nt add it up!” exclaimed James.

Suddenly, the Princess vanish into thin air.

“I was afraid this would happen” said Earl as he pulled out a communicator. “Beam us up”

“Hey, how come you have a communicator and I don’t?” asked James as he vanished.

Suddenly James found that he, Earl, and Darkcloak were abord the starship Enterprise.

Well, that wraps up this episode. But be sure to tune in for the next chapter: Star Trekkin.

Part 3: Star Trekkin’

When we last left off, Princess Peach had stolen the one ring of power and James had just been beamed abord the Starship Enterprise.

“Whoa!  How awesome!  Its the Enterprise, everything is so shiney!  And its the Next Generation to boot!”, James said.

“Slow down there, fanboy,” said Darkcloak, “This is not the time to freak out.”

“Indeed, the fate of the multiverse may rest upon your shoulders.”, Said Captain Picard.

“OMG!!! ITS CAPTAIN PICARD!!!  OH, PEN…PEN…WHERE IS MY PEN?  HERE IT IS, CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH!?”, exclaimed a star struck James.

Picard gave James his autograph and James calmed down. Well, acually they had to sedate him a little, and then he calmed down.

“I am so sorry.  I am just such a big fan.”

“It’s ok, I’m used to it.  You should have seen Warf when he first met me.  Guy acually fainted.  But we have more inportant matters to discuss.  Come with me, we have a visitor from the past who would like to meet you.”

Captain Picard brought James, Earl, and Darkcloak into the confrence room where Spock was waiting for them.

“Leonard Nimoy?!  I was promised Zachary Quinto would be in this fanfic, and you bring out Lenord Nimoy?!  Ok, thats it!  I’m leaving!”, said Earl as he stomped out the door.  Darkcloak followed behind him.

“I’m sorry about them, they are, uh, new to the Trek universe.”, said James.

Suddenly Leonard Nimoy looked at James and said, “I am not Spock“.  Then he pulled off his mask, reveling that he was acally Babcom!

“Bab!  What are you doing here?” asked James.

“Oh, they called me down here to fix their computer.”

“Oh…well, why were you dressed as Leonard Nimoy?”

“To bug Earl and Darkcloak, why else?”

“Yeah, that was pretty good…so, are you going to help me Recover the One Ring of power and save the multiverse?”

“You mean this ring?,” Said Babcom as he held up the ring, “When the princess teleported to her ship, we intercepted the signal and brought her abord here.  We have her captured and I was just about to send someone to bring the ring back to Frodo.”

Just then, a random crew memeber came in and took the ring so he could give it back to frodo.

“Oh, well…great.  Now what?  Is the multiverse saved?  Do we win?”, asked James.

“No!  Its not that easy!,” said Bab,  “There are plenty of powerfull items, we just won one of them.  No, now we need to head to New York!”

Why does our hero need to head to New York?  What powerfull item is there?  Why are you even reading this poorly written garbage?  The answer to two of these theree question awaits in the next exciting Part 4: Excelsior!

Part 4: Excelsior!

Ok, First of all I apologize for the delay, have not had the crazy amount of free time that I usually do.  (been busy dawg!)  But I have not forgotten about everyones favroite fanfic!  I’m sure you are at the edge of your seat with anticiaption, so without further ado: Excelsior!

When we last left out hero, James and Babcom were being beamed down to earth so that they might protect the oracle from the forces of evil.

“So, where is this oracle anyway, babs?”, asked James

“I have no clue”

“Wait, then where are we going?”

“We are going to meet our contace, he and only he knows the location of the oracle.”, explained Bab as they entered a Pizzaria.

“Is that shady looking guy in the corner with the big trenchcoat our contact?”, asked James.

“Um, no thats just a creepy drug dealer….that is our contact!”, said Bab as he pointed at a 17 year old boy with short black hair scarfing down pizza.

“Steven?  My brother is the secret contact?”

“Of course, who did you think we would be meeting, Sean Connery?”

“Well….”

“I got to go, My services are needed on Yavin 4, good luck James and May The Force Be With You!”

“Yeah, Live Long and Prosper, bab”, said James as he walked to Steven’s table.

“Hey Steven!  Babs said that you were supposed to take me to the oracle.”

“Yeah, hold on, let me finish this pizza first”

After Steven had finished the pizza, he took James to a small apartment in queens.

“This is the place”, he said as he knocked on the door exactly four times.  The door opened and inside James saw…

“Tobey Macguire?!”

“Uh, acually the name is Peter, you must be James, come in…I have been gaurding the Oracle”

As James walked in the apartment he heard a voice say “Hello True Believer!”

“Stan Lee?  Your the Oracle?!”

“Well, Duh!  Isnt it obvious?  I mean, the title of this episode is Excelsior!  You may as well have named it, The Fanfic Episode 4- Stan Lee is in this part!”, exclaimed Stan Lee.

“Good point…well, what are we supposed to be protecting you from?”

“That”, said Stan Lee as he pointed out the window.  James looked out and saw an army of supervillians marching to the apartment.

“Oh, Crap!  What are we going to do!”, asked James.

“I don’t know, its your story”, said Steven.

“Your right it is my story”, said James as he closed his eyes and concentrated, “suddenly an equaly sized army of superheroes appeared and started fighting the villains.”

“You know, you could have just made the villans dissapear”, said Stan.

“Yeah, but this is more fun to watch”

The battle was epic…Heroes and villians everywhere fighting for the fate of the universe.  Everyone was there, Spiderman, Thing, Dr. Doom, Hulk.  Even Doug Heffernan from the King of Queens was there…though he was not actually fighting so much as he was eating a giant pretzel.  Steven, who secretly possesses super strength, tore through 7 sentenals, Iron Mongler, Green Goblin, Apocalypses and Scott Summers…though that last one was an accident. After hours and hours of awesomeness, the battle was over and the day was saved…or so they thought…suddenly all the survivors dissapeard and in their place stood one of the most powerful beings in the multiverse, Chuck Norris.  He started laughing maniacally as he said “To be continued….”

Why did Chuck Norris suddenly turn evil?  How will James defeat him?  Will he wait another 2 weeks before writing the next chapter?  Who knows?!  But the title of the next part is The Fanfic – Part 5: Now the story really does get ridiculous….

Part 5: Now the story really does get ridiculous….

When we last left our hero, he was about to face an evil chuck norris.  Knowing he was no match for the Norris, James started to run away.  Suddenly, out from nowhere His grandma appeared!  She then destroyed evil-norris with her granny vision.

“Uh…Ok, Thanks for saving us, granny.” said James.  Then every good guy who vanished at the end of the last episode suddenly re-appeared.

“No Problem.  Here, have a cookie!”, she said as she gave everyone cookies.

Just then a dragon flew overhead.  James gripped his lightsaber, prepared to fight, but as the dragon decended, she turned into a human.  It was James’s girlfriend, Vivian.

“I did not know you had the power to turn into a dragon at will!” exclaimed James.

“Yeah, well…you never asked…..Here take this”, she said as she handed him a small purple stone with the letter Q engraved on it.

“Uh…Ok, what does it do?”, he asked.

“I have no clue”

“Then why are you giving it to me?”

“I don’t know!  Its your story!”

“Yeah, I think I am kind of running out of ideas…..”

Just then, Teal’c from Stargate SG-1 ran up to James.

“James, Hurry, we need your help!”, he said.

“No!,” exclaimed James, “This ends now….I am getting tired of writing this Fanfic!”

“Indeed”, said Teal’c.

Suddenly they were all teleported to the ultimate battle arena.  Good Guy Verses Bad Guy in the Showdown of all time.

Who will win?  What will become of the multiverse?  What is the signifigance of the purple stone?  When wil this story be over?  Well, I can’t answer the first three questions, but I can answer the last because the next part is the last.  So stay tuned for Part 6: Worst Ending Ever!

The Fanfic – Part 6: Worst Ending Ever!

ARGH!  Sorry I have not been posting….I have been putting off finishing this for a while…but I am gonna end this once and for all now.

The ultimate showdown…

James looked around at the void he had created.  It was dark…yet he could see everything.  Heroes and Villians scattered from all across the universes….gathered together to fight for the survival or destruction of the universe.  James now understood…he knew the power he could wield and he knew why he was chosen to carry the burden of saving the universe.  He was not just the chosen one he was the author of this pathetic excuse for a story.  The battle was epic.  Slowly though, it started to die down.  Everyone was dying…there were few still left to fight.  James had just finished tearing Hitler to shreds when Darth Vader stabbed him from behind.  He died almost instantly.  DS (yes, dressed as the grim reaper) and Earl finished clobbering the megatron and ran towards him.

“I can’t believe he is gone!” cried DS

“Me neither…I can’t believe he wrote himself out of his own story” said Jake

Suddenly James sprang back to life.

“But you were just dead a minuite ago?” said Gage

“The power of friendship brought me back to life” replied James

“BOO!” Shouted Colt, who just happened to be standing nearby.

“I know its lame…but that is the title of the story right…worst ending ever!”

Just then the TARDIS (pictured above) appeared and the Doctor jumped out running towards James.

“I am here to warn you that Vader is going to stab you in the back” he said

“yeah….a little late”

“Oh….well…bye” he said as he left.

“Ok I am really ending this now” said James as he jumped up into the air.  Energy glowed around him and as the power of the author built up he…

Woke up.

It was just a dream everybody!  James woke up to realize he had fallen asleep at his computer.

“I really need to get out more” he said to himself as he went to get some breakfast.  Wait…something was in his pocket…he reached inside and pulled out a small purple stone with the letter Q engraved on it.  Just a dream?….

Yes!  It is over!  Finnally!  Free at last free at last!  Woot!….I mean, Uh…..I hope you enjoed my story and uh…yeah….

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2 Responses to “The “Fanfic””


  1. 1 Leslie
    May 6, 2010 at 9:54 am

    I don’t understand why no one commented…. that was Fabulous!

  2. May 7, 2010 at 11:43 am

    You know why no one commented, because they are devil worshipers…

    actually, I wrote this story as a serial, posting a chapter every day or so. Those posts are full of comments. I did not make this page until after the story was complete.

    Thank you for your compliment, I do not think it came out as well as it was envisioned in my head, but if you enjoyed it then thats all that mattered.


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